I have two dreams for this final apocalyptic year: The first is to drop beats at as many beer throwin, shit showin, STD knowin HOR parties as I can. My sets at those are pretty much, “You like Maybach music? Great I like Maybach music. Here’s a ton of that. Everyone wins (especially if they can’t remember.) The other dichotomous dream is to continue pushing the ever loving shit out of my career as a mind warping, bass crunching, wonk…e…ing (I don’t know), future bass DJ. Fortunately this Friday will be another chance for me to pump the zygote of that species.
This Friday, at Backbar in DC, (Conveniently located in the sex dungeon of the 9:30 Club), R4NS0M and DENMAN (oh, hey, that’s me refering to myself in the third person) will be dropping the finest in future bass, grime, footwork, UK/Deep dubstep, and drum n bass (go MetalHeadz or go home), so roll the most Louisville slugger of a blunt your foodstamps can acquire (filled with totally legal tobacco of course), and come freak the fuck out to some dirty bass in space. Turnout has been damn good so far, and we’d love to keep the momentum going. Why not be a winner, and peep the facebook event?
Still scratching your downy, water filled cranium? Ok, here’s a bit of what we’ll be dropping:
If you have a general loathe for humanity, as I do, you aren’t normally wont to pick up your phone. Such was most certainly the case last Friday when the words “Blocked” emphatically shot across my iphone screen. But, sure enough, a moment later another notice heralded the incoming of a new voicemail.
And then, sometimes, the world places HOR posts right into one’s moist lap….
The wobbly and waffling voice that crackled through the line was something like one’s little known drunk aunt who vomits inappropriate family secrets at uncomfortable holiday gatherings. Only this woman certainly was no aunt I knew of, and she wasn’t pointing out gay affairs.
This “lady” was champing at the bit to inform me that I had won some sort of Disney sitcom-esque prize package that included airfaire and a cruise on the lines of my choice.
Interestingly enough, the only name dropped as to the party who I was a “big winner” for, was that of America West, which, when run through the googler, yields, “America West Airlines,” who US Airways ate up in 2006. If that weren’t enough to shake my faith in my amazing luck, roughly two-thirds of the way through the LFO’d out message, I was re-assured that this was not a time share scam, and I had no obligation to make any purchases, (As these traps had not crossed my mind until brought up by the caller, I can’t say this persuaded me to believe otherwise.)
In fact, any foundation of gullibility that makes up my person was crushed due to the stumbling across what surely was an elementary script that repeating verbatim insured job security. In my mind our dear telemarketer surely looked something like this:
Though maybe the empty bottle isn’t as apropos as the odds that this woman was robo-tripping. *HARD*
But maybe my smattering of letters isn’t convincing enough. In which case, don’t just take my word for it; listen to this magical moment yourself, and then decide:
Interestingly enough, a few days ago, footage from a gothic/industrial night popped up on the ole HOR, and intrigue ran through the site faster than heroin through a trust fundee’s veins. What many of the HOR legions didn’t know was that they had stepped into the black hornet’s nest of DIY industrial dance videos. This is taking the word “viral” to a whole different level…..And that’s where I come in.
To get my taint all frothy for this post, I’m listening to And One’s “Panzermensch,” at this very moment. Yes, gothic industrial is a whole other country, as is its bizarre memery of plastic hair tossing dance youtube fodder. These people are like if suburban Taco Bell fans escaped from their birth inside a Rockstar Game. Here, then, is my first installment on this subject, of which, plans are murky, but I will devote another post entirely to gas masked dance video’s to Eisenfunk’s “Pong.” (No, I won’t link to it. You’ll just have to wait and find out…)
So, as you all settle in with your 8 balls, to prepare for a forgettable evening out on the town, let’s go over a few Pointer Sister worthy new moves, shall we?……
According to this little gem, it’s an introductory tutorial on how to dance to industrial music. What do we learn from this video? If you are going to make a tutorial on dancing to industrial, you should probably actually be able to do that first. This guy spends most of his film debut trying to remember where he is in space and time, (as well as navigating a pair of pants stolen from the set of, “Killer Clowns From Outer Space.”)
Now that you’re all warmed up, let’s moved on to something a little more advanced, shall we? Here we have a gothdustrial in its native setting of a cozy suburban spare room, with tasteful all white bathroom off to the right. You will have to get your own Mortal Combat stormtrooper outfit, but try to keep up with the sinister hand gestures. You never know when you’ll need to be dramatic while pointing to the big bite you’re trying to order. (And, in case you’re wondering, no, the colors aren’t changing. You just got dosed with Simba.)
Too much, too soon you say? Slow down you say? Ok, ok, let’s get back to the basics, and talk about how you can develop your own Blade extra party sequence man00verz. First, you should probably dress like Cyndi Lauper getting attacked by birthday ribbon. Next, remember, industrial dancing is serious, and you need to spend as many hours in the day doing these emphatic thrusts as you can. DO THIS IN PUBLIC AND AT RESTAURANTS!
Ok, now that we’ve had some real tae kwon do, and a heart to heart, let’s get some friends involved shall we? It’s important to always have a properly retarded cyborg nazi to get down in the club with. This is important because your posse is what makes you look good. And what makes you look good, is what ultimately will get you laid. (Please FF past the unbearable talking on this one….)
I think it’s time for you to take your new found skillset to the streets, and show the world what luxuriously plump arms you have:
Don’t be afraid to experiment with new settings and styles:
Finally, remember, Industrial dancing is serious. If you have enough heart, and funny, clown pants, you too can form your own dance crew, and take over the world. Then your father will finally respect you:
Don’t forget to practice these sweet moves while skipping math class. Until next time, keep your hair dreaded, your pants puffy, your goggles glowing, and your sense of self-awareness in a total void…..
