Category Archives: Reeds Lucky 7

A top 7 list of assorted topics along with pictures and commentary. Some of the most viral H.O.R. posts can be found here.

Reeds Lucky 7: Accidental Chinese Hipsters (Best of)

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In case you’ve been living under a cyber rock, one the greatest websites ever created is a site called ACCIDENTAL CHINESE HIPSTERS. The Tumblr page was founded by Alison Kuo, a teacher currently living in New York teaching English as a second language. With some of her family living in Hong Kong, she has visited there frequently since she was a kid exposing her to the diverse culture’s from both sides of the globe. She noticed that the Chinese style has a combination of people liking bold colors then like to parlaying it with another thing they may like regardless if it matches. Basically, the fashion police in the States wouldn’t have a jail big enough to hold it’s convicts so instead we have her website which documents these glorious people.  This Lucky 7 list is Hall of Fame selection of my favorite Accidental Chinese Hipsters.

7. 

6.  5.
4.
3.
2.
1.

I highly recommend you check out her site to see the ones that didn’t make the cut here, but are amazing nonetheless.

ACCIDENTAL CHINESE HIPSTERS

Reeds Lucky 7 of the most Busted Women I’ve seen on the Internets Part 3

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One of the greatest bits on the H.O.R. has returned for a  special dedicated to the most busted women on the internet who can scare the ever-loving shit out of people just by showing up. In this “Nip Tuck” edition, we pay homage to the busted, insecure broads who just can’t come to grips with the aging process and mirrors.

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a definite Number Munchers vibe here. Troggle Swag.  The Oakland Raiders eyeliner compliment her serial killer smile.  No doubt she’s a Trogglus Assistus.

Looks like Lou Diamond Phillips caught a felony charge and decided to get plastic surgery to avoid capture so he can begin a new life somewhere in Southwest Asia. So much for a La Bamba 2. *shakes fist towards the sky*

I don’t even know where to start with this one.  Check out her bedazzled bra from the Andrew Dice Clay fall collection. Also, nothing says America more than a gold and diamond dog tag to let people know you once served 2 tours at Saks Fifth Avenue.  Her tanning bed has two settings, George Lopez and George Hamilton.

It didn’t take long for Muammar Gaddafi to insert himself back into the life cycle but he’s back, rebuilt, and stronger than ever.  The “LOL” backstory on this thing is that she was addicted to plastic surgery. When her South Korean surgeon refused to stop performing operations, she then injected cooking oil into her face. I would love to see video of her supportive friends giving her the “you can hardly notice” talk.

I like to think of her as Chernobyl Snookie.  The regular genetic disaster MTV shore Snookie we’ve all learned to hate except things got wacky after spending the Summer near the post Japan Earthquake nuclear power plant where instead of tanning bed rays, she got gamma rays morphing her body into the picture above.

This specimen looks like a gold Hersey Kiss wrapper.  Obviously the gym she works out at to acquire those heroin addict arms doesn’t have any mirrors in the joint. Gonna be honest, I can’t tell if she’s even alive in this photo.  In case you aren’t familiar with her film work, I’m pretty sure she was Goro in the Mortal Kombat movies…

Which brings us to our final and yet by far the most hideous out of all of our women.  This is the only lady on the planet who can make a grown man puke and cry at the same time.

God damn Lil Kim version 2.0, the greatest travesty out of any operation ever performed.  Kim’s “Hardcore” album covergot me through high school when the 14.4k connection wasn’t getting it done and now we’re stuck with this.  She went into the surgeons office as Lil Kim and left as Kim Fields. There is no god.

Thats all my stomach can handle for today.  In case you missed the first two parts you can catch up by clicking below.  I would proceed with caution though.

PART 1

PART 2

Reeds Lucky 7: The Model Mayhem All Stars – PART 2

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Make it Stop!

I had no idea how big of a gold mine that Model Mayhem is for this blog. The Long anticipated sequel is finally here thanks to some of the readers who submitted photos. Also, shout out to lazy Fridays were I finally got a chance to relax and sort out the photography Mayhem. In case you missedTHE FIRST MODEL MAYHEM, this is where we find the best and by best, I mean worst of the self proclaimed “models” who post photos on the site. You probably have one or two of these girls on Facebook who take corny photos of themselves and claim their on a “photo shoot”.  Come the fuck on son. Model Mayhem should be thanking me because it’s the only publicity these girls are going to get.

There is so much going on here I don’t know where to start. “I think if we take you down to the bowling alley it would be a an opportunity to get some really good shots, plus they have video poker”  If your legs and shins look like little league bats then perhaps this isn’t the pose for you.  Peep game on the guerilla feet.  Guerilla feet occurs when a girl wears heels that are to small for her feat.  It cause the toes to hang over the shoe and setting evolution back a couple million years.  When you’re done embarrassing yourself, grab your server tray because the guy on machine three needs a cocktail.

Looks like she’s trying to get modeling work from either Nokia or Charmin. I know one thing, it looks like she’s in the middle of dropping an epic deuce because she threw her shopping bag down and decided to call a friend and tell her about the upcoming splash.


Not much going on here unless a boulder fell from above and dislocated her shoulder. I don’t understand why girls pose like this? It looks hella unnatural and uncomfortable.

If you can work up the will to look at her face you can see that she is the love child of Willie Nelson and comedian Jeffrey Ross.

I need a cold drink, of ice water. (Yes I cried in the theater)
http://youtu.be/S7zuMMuFjpA

The more you look at this photo, the more amazing you will find. I’ve been looking at this gem all weekend and I still can’t figure out what the fuck is going on here. Any ideas??

If G.E. ever needs a model for their lightbulb line then look no further. It’s 2011 can we make a move to lose the Nazi boots?  But wait, photo shop magic straight ahead.

What do you think of this batch?  if you see and winners or just overall cunts on Facebook who claim to be “models” and want to see them on the next go around please email them to DJREEDROTHCHILD@GMAIL.COM

Reeds Lucky 7: YOU ARE NOT NICKI MINAJ

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Whatever that is, I think it's having a stroke

I’m pretty bipolar when it comes to Nicki Minaj. At first I couldn’t stand her but after listening to her latest album, I can at least understand what she’s going for. There were a couple songs I like and thats being generous. I see her gimmick and the image her label is putting out there and in this day of mainstream hype, it doesn’t surprise me how she got where she is now.  However, sometimes she acts in certain ways that makes me wish she was on that plane instead of Aaliyah. How do you not want to spin kick her wig off when she does the dungeon dragon hook or starts talking in an english accent? At the end of the day you just have to accept the fact that she is a product of a manufactured character created by a record label and PR company. Nothing me and any of you are going to lose sleep over. Then someone put me on to her fan base. Part of her schtick is that she portrays herself as a Barbie doll like character which is basically wearing off color wigs and putting enough make up on to look like a certified ass clown. I started realizing that her fans where trying to copy her image the same way teens try to mirror Lady Gaga by dressing up like a satellite dish wrapped in shit wiped aluminum foil. I saw this style slowly start to spread as I would start to walk home from my weekend gigs in Adams Morgan. For those of you who aren’t familiar with that area, It’s basically like having a front row seat at the Paris fashion show but with god awful clothing that makes TJ Max look like Neiman Marcus. I kept wondering why black girls were all of a sudden were caking on blue and pink make up and wearing florescent colored wigs.

There is an entire movement that involves black female and male (just wait) Nicki Minaj fans who go out trying to dress like her in every way. It’s referred to as “Barbies” The good news for all of us who love a good train wreck is that 0% of the people who are doing this can pull it off. Then again I don’t think there is anything you can do to execute this look without looking like a total douche. After doing more research, I was blown away at some of the Barbies that are out there on the internet. I have almost a hundred pics of total disaster human beings so this edition of “Reeds Luck 7″ has got to be the some of the toughest decisions I have ever had to make…….In life. So without further adieu, I give you the best (WORST) Barbies.

#7

This is a great warm up of whats yet to come. The best part is that I didn’t photo shop the text above. She did that. At least she’s honest, and hungry.

#6

Still haven’t figured out what this thing is. I guess you’ll have to Westminster dog show it by reaching back and praying to the lord above you don’t grab balls. Although, the odds aren’t in your favor.

#5

Wait a second. I didn’t know Roxy Cottontail had a black half sister?

#4

Look out Double Dragon fans. The Abobo sisters are looking for Billy and Jimmy. Now Those two are a Mothafuckin Monster!

#3

New from Mattel, It’s Crypt Keeper Barbie! Comes with Funeral Fun Parlor Playhouse (Rigor Mortis SOLD SEPARATELY)

#2

Sometimes math is just too easy. AND LAST BUT DAMN SURE NOT LEAST…….

#1

Oh Heeeell no. Wait a second, where did he get the wagon from? RA RA! LIKE A DUNGEON DRAG-QUEEN! RA RA! LIKE A DUNGEON DRAG-QUEEN!

Reeds Lucky 7: The Model Mayhem All-Stars

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Model Mayhem is a site designed for females who enjoy living the daily denial of ever becoming a professional model. It delivers a similar dream to Hip hop “artists” who think they can make it big on Myspace. What inspired me to write this post up is due to the fact that my social networking streams have been cluttered with females who are claiming to be “models”. Just because some guy with a camera says he wants to take pictures of you standing on a rooftop parking garage while you look at the sky, hands on your hips, elbows awkwardly pointing out, with your eyes looking upwards like Bobs Big Boy, DOESN’T mean you are a professional model. By the way, that camera man is just adding to his portfolio, of jack material. You want to know why you never meet a photographer who isn’t a creep? Because all the normal photographers are busy working for money, and can pass a background/sex registry check. Before some of you bitter females jump down my throat please note that this is towards a delusional few. If anyone wants to get pictures taken of themselves, that’s fine, have fun. My beef are with the women who think by having photo’s of themselves, they are instantly upgraded to international runway models and have to let the world know about their hypocrisy.

NOT on Model Mayhem

After one girl who shall remain nameless posted a link to her Model Mayhem account I knew struck gold, I just had to pan around to find it. Like an old 49er, I went through the site and it only took me 10 minutes to find my top 7.

#7

Speaking of Bobs Big Boy, this beauty listed herself at 126 pounds. To be fair, Model Mayhem didn’t provide a space to fill in on which planet. The dudette abides at Number 7.

#6

Not much allowed in the budget for this aspiring model who is making a push to model for the upcoming season of Doc Martin Uggs. She is the first person ive ever seen look uncomfortable on a hammock.

#5

Alright, you got me. I know I’m supposed to use this section to rip the “models”, but this picture fucking rules. An instant blast to my past when I saw the red wagon. Whatever Company still makes these, it’s their lose if they don’t hire her to model for them.  Enough Mr. Nice guy, it’s time to get ugly!

#4

Behold!  Teddy Rux-foreskin. I have no idea what the tattoo’s are but it look like something that would come up on a slot machine. Still feel bad for that bear

#3

Heyyyyy Scottie!!  Why the long face?

#2


Don’t know what #2 was going for with the twin/gimp shot but it’s a great costume idea if your going as “No dignity” To really appreciate how bitter she is, you have to read a quote from the opening of her Bio.

“I used to be a size 5 then moved on to plus size modeling which is more fun and more exciting then being a skinny model will ever be”

#1

 

There is so much going on here I don’t know where to start. Trying to process what I’m seeing is making me weak and dehydrated. What are you waiting for Sketchers? You can’t get the rights to use Avatar in your commercials anyway so why not hire AVATARD.

Reeds Lucky 7: A Tribute to the Mexican Sharpie

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Now Before anyone decides to raise a stink about it being a Mexican sharpie and not any other race needs to relax.  I’m sure it’s not just Mexicans who sharpie up their eyebrows but lets face it, we had no idea this even existed until someone posted this glorious picture on our myspace page years ago.

So with that said I give you the Reeds Lucky 7 of my favorite Mexican Sharpie jobs, Enjoy!

7.




6.




5.




4.




3.




2.




1.

Thank you ladies, ya make the world a better place.

Reed’s Lucky 7 of the most Busted women I’ve seen on the internets PART 2!

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It was the most popular post in the history of the H.O.R. so of course I had to go back to the gold mine and see what I could find. This time I even brought back up with me. I have professional makeup artist Dana Delaney. Dana is one of the best makeup artists in the DC area. Unfortunately, she is packing up and moving to Los Angeles. After some of the male readers still couldn’t get it through their thinking head that the previous women were busted, Dana is going to clear the air on these disasters with a professional background opinion. I mean come on, both of us can’t be wrong. Dana does amazing work. Here are some sample photos.



Seeing women on the internet and especially in the DC area, I have some concerning questions about horrible makeup that I hope Dana can clear up

Q: Why do some women cake on so much makeup? If you go by an upscale place, let’s just throw out K Street for example, Women look like members of Kiss. I don’t even know what their natural face looks like. Is there a cause for this or is it insecurity or bad makeup?

Dana: I think you really hit the nail on the head. A lot of it does have to do with insecurity. Girls always tend to over compensate for what they don’t have or what they THINK men want. You really can’t blame them since men send out so many mixed signals. I mean a lot of dudes say they hate it when girls wear a ton of makeup yet they put women like Pamela Anderson and Kim Kardashian on a pedestal. Do you have any idea how much makeup those women wear? To be honest I really think they both look best without the cake face…but unfortunately these are the women men idolize therefore causing many girls (aka sheep) to follow suit. Also, what the hell are you doing on K street?

Q: Why can’t some women get the right color makeup to match their skin tone?

Dana: This is one of my biggest pet peeves and I see it all the time. It’s this obsession with tanned skin that takes this to the next level. I will never understand why women go darker in their foundation or pile on bronzer ALL OVER their face. I love working on women of all colors however orange is not one of them.

Q: Is it true that there is a lipstick that makes your lips bigger? If so, that’s Fucked!

Dana: Yes, the name of that lipstick is called “Fucked” because it looks absolutely FUCKED up. Nothing will make your lips look bigger unless you pump your lips full of ass fat and to be honest I’m not sure that looks any better.

Q: What is the biggest makeup mistake that you see a woman wearing that drives you crazy?

Dana: Muppet eyelashes drive me nuts. Eyelashes are supposed to enhance your eyes and open them up. Instead girls go for the thickest, longest, heaviest, most un-natural lashes they can find often glued on with track glue at some shitty nail salon. I’ve seen them falling off girls eyes. I’ve seen girls only wearing one lash on ONE EYE. I’ve seen girls tilting their heads just so they can see. I mean COME ON? Who told these girls that this looks good… Janice from the Muppets?

Excellent answers Dana. That’s truly priceless information. Now let’s see what’s behind door #7

#7 Dee Dee Snyder


Dee Dee Snyder

Here is an over 40 something trying to hang on to any youth she thinks she has left in the tank by rubbing Smurf Testicals over her eyes. Every time I see that blue eye shadow, I think of the scene In Goodfellas when all the wives are putting on shitty makeup. Dana, other than waking up this morning, where did she go wrong and what would you do to fix this?

Dana: The first thing is the most obvious: blue eyeshadow. There is a time and place for anything: the time is when you are in your 20′s – the place is on your eyelids but NOT ALL THE WAY up to your eyebrow. The sad part of this is that she is probably late 20′s / early 30′s and just aged herself 10 years with this shit. Not only is the shadow terrible but the concealer under her eyes is waaaaayyyy too light and the blue is almost reflecting off of it.

Or it could be the bright ass computer monitor glaring on her face in her cave of a living room as she watches the smurfs on youtube.

#6 GOODBYE KITTY

#6 really gives off a proper Walmart vibe. She is a tube of yellow lipstick away from looking like a cardinal. Dana what do you think about this job and is it fixable with a makeup brush as opposed to using a Louisville Slugger?

Dana: Do I really have to comment on this? I do believe that everyone should already know why this is bad bad bad. So many women try to find ways to get rid of dark circles under their eyes but I guess this girl just wanted to do the opposite of everything thats good in life. If she wanted to get her eyes to stand out she really achieved it because it took me about 10 minutes in to realize she had glasses on.

Excellent analysis Dana, now that we got warmed up, it’s time get to the really good ones.

#5 ALICE POOPER

Sadly, she isn’t an Oakland Raiders fan. I’m almost left speechless with the combination of copper and silver. It looks like a Coin star vomited on her face. Go in Dana!

Dana: Even if she were a Raiders fan I’m not sure they would claim her. I’ll comment on the brass face first. I had no idea that C3P0 and Princess Leia got it on? I’m not sure what she was going for. I’ve never seen bronzer this bad before. Ladies PLEASE stop putting bronzer all over your face and if you must….at least make sure it’s not metallic. Now for the silver eyeshadow look…..whatever happened to blending? The eyeshadow just stops right at her brow bone. Then its accentuated by that bizarre face she’s making. Her lips are entirely too light in each photo causing them to disappear. Maybe that explains why she’s making this fish face. Crazy metallic colors like that should only be used on the eyelid. Never take it above the crease like that unless of course you like this look. Then I have to commend you on not giving a FUCK!

#4 Thunder Rat Hooooooo!

This is so bad it almost distracted me from the fact that turtle necks still exist. That 10,000 yard stare into the camera almost makes me want to shut up and look down. Dana, how can there be so much wrong in one photo and can she be saved?

Dana: This girl took every bad feature she has and made it worse. Her eyes look closer together and her nose looks bigger due to the inverted eyeliner on the bottom lash line. The bad attempt at a cheek contour made her jaw look even squarer and her chin smaller. With the lips its actually a good trick to put a lighter shade in the center of the bottom lip. It makes the lips look bigger and poutier. However you’re supposed to blend it in so it looks like a natural highlight. This weird stare and of course the mom turtle neck do nothing for this creative/cartoon look. Unless of course she’s looking to get a part in the new “Thundercats” movie.

#3 Photo shop can’t even save her

It’s amazing how you can have flapjack titties in one photo and act like you’re working with something in the next. Look at the difference in shades between her block face and body. Dana what is your take on those god awful eye lashes?

Dana: Well the eyelashes make her eyes look lopsided. This is what I was talking about with the muppet eyelashes. I bet she could barely keep her eyes open which is why she has that boring look of concentration on her face. LASHES ARE SUPPOSED TO DEFINE AND OPEN THE EYES. These lashes almost touch her eyebrows! She’s so scantily clad but who would notice when the only thing you see are these black spiders on her eyes. Who told this girl she could model? I blame model mayhem (www.modelmayhem.com) which is full of girls just like her. Her face makeup is so dark and matte that it looks lifeless. Her face literally looks like a mask to me. I don’t understand this trend of extreme tan skin and pale ass lips. The only people that should have paler lips than their face are corpses. She really reminds me of this little skit:

http://vodpod.com/watch/2225863-funny-or-die-lashisse

#2 Ooooofa Lumpa

It looks like Moses has parted the red skull. Dana I know we’re not hair experts but if someone was working with a forehead of that magnitude, shouldn’t she look into having bangs? Oh what’s up with those eyebrows?


Dana: Bangs would definitely be a good look for this girl. It would be like killing two birds with one stone. Not only could she hide that big ass forehead but she would be simultaneously covering this horrid makeup. The brows are way too thick, too dark, entirely too close together and the white highlight underneath makes them even worse. The purpose of highlighting is to make something look better and it’s supposed to look NATURAL. What purpose is she serving? Scaring away children? And again with the orange matte face. Skin is supposed to look alive, fresh and glowing, not like you slathered on red clay and went into the desert for thirty days. Also, if you are tanned please stay far away from white shimmery eyeshadow. This girl could actually be pretty but I’m not sure if there is any turning back from this. The really sad part about this is that she is in a MAC store so most likely someone who calls themselves a makeup artist did this to her and got paid for it. Jesus I really hope this was Halloween season.

#1 Ass-Clown McGee (Goodbye Kitty Part II)

Keep your computer aging software. This is REALLY what JonBenet Ramsey would look like today. Sadly that’s not Photo Shopped either. So much wrong here Dana I don’t know where to start….

Dana:
THIS + = THAT

+

Reeds Lucky 7: Why you didnt Fuck this summer

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It seems like the bar keeps getting raised with these lists. Now before anyone feels the need to whine about this because one of these pertains to you and you still got your rocks off, good for you. You can either pat yourself on the back, or rethink who’s guts your stabbing, and/or who your letting run up in you. This list is not sexist. It’s for both men and women. Every summer comes with so much promise and excitement once winter is finally over. With summer nearing the end, some of you may be sitting around and wondering why you swung and missed so bad. Here are some reasons why you’re a failure :-)

#7 Shorts over tights

Unless your a crime fighter, you have no business wearing shorts over tights. Hands down one of the biggest turn offs is seeing a sweaty female in July wearing tights. Even worse is another layer with shorts. First off, you need a crocodile Dundee knife just to get all that shit off. More Importantly, I don’t care how good a female takes care of herself, walking around all day in 90 degree heat, once they do come off im sure the scent is something similar to a Ruben sandwich sitting out in a dumpster. Know your seasons ladies.

#6 Hygiene

This was one of the hottest summers on record. Brutal heat along with sweltering humidity made it hell trying to stay fresh. From what I saw and sadly smelled walking through clubs is that people were not on their A-game. Especially in big crowds of hipsters (No surprise). I just had an experience about two weeks ago when a very attractive female came up to me around 11PM but her breath smelled like old church books. I had to transform into my “im to busy focusing on djing to acknowledge your standing next to me” mode.

#5 Hanging out in College Bars

First off, if you don’t go to college or are over 25 and still hang out in college bars, you’ve got some explaining to do creepy/cougar 5000. If your going to prey on the young, drunk, and weak a college bar in the summer is not a good look in DC since classes are out. Besides anyone who would randomly fuck you with or without protection in a drunken blackout, migrates back to New Jersey for the summer.

#4 STILL wearing affliction & Ed Hardy

It still amazes me that people leaving the house with these shirts on. Just like the World War II soldiers on the islands of Japan who didnt get word that the war had ended years ago, these fearless douche bags walk the streets wearing it proudly along with LA Looks Mega hold gel. The good news is that it doesn’t cost much to look like an asshole anymore. Ross, Marshall’s, Walmart, and Costco all carry Ed Hardy and Affliction now. At this point its comical to see someone wearing them but it certainly won’t help your game.

#3 You're Married

This is the biggest no brainer on the list. Of course you didn’t fuck this summer. Married couples haven’t had sex, at least with each other since the late 70′s.

#2 Your chasing Bottle Rats

Ugghh! Dude what are you thinking? If you go to any club along K Street in DC you already know that it is running grounds for a species known as the North American Bottle Rat. Girls mostly 22-29 who cake on 2 pounds of make up, wear a black dress with knock off Chanel accessories. They prey off older,richer, mostly Middle Eastern and European men who are dumb enough to let them hang out in their reserved section and mooch of their alcohol. They have no education and no personality. The only self proclaimed value they have is the warm hole between their thighs. The problem is that your either too smart or too broke to land one of these rats. They won’t just put out on the first night, there’s no profit in that. They leach on and try to get the clueless men to buy them anything and everything before laying on their back thinking of Ronaldo while some hairy backed fellow with the last name Singh gets on top and sweets out an embarrassing 4 1/2 minutes. If you are gross enough to still want to go after these females, I suggest you go for the ones who are over 30. Once the American Bottle Rat hits 30, the looks kamikaze downwards and a new level of desperation mode goes into effect. Its easily the nastiest part of the DC nightlife scene today.

#1 Womens Roman Sandals

Im unsure who’s idea it was to bring these back from the BC, but I wanna dip my hand in crisco and open hand slap them. Beyond ugly, the Sandal does nothing for any man, ever. The worst part of it is that it reveals the truth about how flat a women’s ass really is. Im not saying you gotta wear 6 inch pumps but come on now…

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Reeds Lucky 7: Reasons to hate White people

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One thing we have learned from the H.O.R. is that I have burned many bridges from the club scene to rappers but this post will probably get my white card revoked.  There are 2 ways to make white people go bat shit insane. First method is to strike a minority based fear into them. For examples, just watch Fox news for 15-30 minutes, you’ll get the idea ;-) Another way is to reiterate how small a white mans penis is literally and figuratively. If you live next door and buy a fountain for the backyard, whitey is now plotting to purchase one, bigger, with more water because he can’t stand to be outdone.

#7 Yacht Racing

After graduating college on a free ride from your parents only to get a job at whats is most likely your dad’s company, you worked your way to the top by being one mean, two faced, sabotaging PRICK. Or maybe you pissed oil into the ocean or took billions in peoples retirement, water under the bridge says the white man and that water should have a Yacht floating on it. But that’s not good enough. You need to race it against other corrupt corporate executives. While employees panic attack themselves through the weekend because you want to layoff 10,000 people to keep the Company stock price from dropping .0001, you’re on a clear water island that the British own and didn’t tell anybody they owned it.

#6 Marlboro Reds

A silent yet smooth murder that has taken the lives of millions of white people all over the world. I must confess even I am addicted to its lovely taste. I have seen Asians smoke them occasionally but if you ever see a black dude take out a pack, RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS, because he’s probably a serial killer. See how we brought it back around? Minority based fear (Call Back)

#5 Khaki Shorts, Popped collar Polos, Sandals

Just as Ed Hardy and Affliction are used to spot douche bags, this look makes it easier to find white people other than by skin of course. If you see this look it means a white person is either on their way to a house party, a bar, or Dewey beach. Don’t make eye contact especially if its past midnight or they will attempt to fight you in a drunken state but insist their friend holds them back. There’s about a 99.4% chance you will see people in this outfit spilling beer on everyone while singing along to Journey. Doesn’t matter which song, just Journey.

#4 Shitty Youtube/Myspace Rappers

One of the most scariest things Ive noticed is a no-talent who loves the sound of their own voice. I have concrete proof via past blog posts that white people are destroying the internet thinking they can manufacture themselves to be just like Lil Wayne. The project has fallen flat on its face, right Ziplok?

#3 Shamrock Fest

One of the most cringe inducing gatherings of white people since the Space shuttle launching. Once a year the Todd’s, Connors, Allison’s, and Bradly’s of DC get together to drink and dance to top 40 music which they just heard on the way driving down to Shamrock fest.

#2 Beer Pong

Beer Pong is a sport played by white people who are to insecure to just sit down at a bar and drink their problems away. Somewhere in the back of a white persons mind that if they compete in a contest and gets fall down in their own puke drunk its not as a drinking problem, they just need to work on their jump shot.

#1 Dave Matthews Band

To kill the monster you must chop of its head and Dave Matthews has been fueling the fire for white people between the ages of 20-50. They are the Journey of our generation and that’s not a good thing.

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