Shitty Internet Rapper: A.B. Green

Posted on January 26, 2012 by The Reed Rothchild

Sometimes things just have an amazing way of finding itself. Like when a monsoon happens in the middle of a dry African Summer or when Locust season comes here in the district every 17 years assuring that all the wildlife will be guaranteed to feast. I was sitting at HOR headquarters when my phone went off letting me know that our Seattle friend, Tigerbeat filled me in via twitter about a Rapper who randomly spammed him to watch his youtube video. Normally when I get them directly from the rappers, I don’t pay any attention to them but between Tigerbeat sending it over and the twitter name + spam tweet, I had a feeling that something special was a click away.

Meet A.B. Green A.K.A. the broke Jeff Garcia. A man who without a doubt gets all the ladies…….. to cover their drink when he walks by. A.B. has all of the Hall of Fame characteristics that make up a shitty internet rapper. He puts on a accent, wears shades all the time or as he calls them “Swag goggles”. Unfortunately for Mr. Green, he didn’t get the memo from the rest of the human race who all know it means INSECURE. I would go into to why he wears a hat most of the time but I think you can figure that out by his Dracula fade.

In this first video, A.B. Green shows that he was the one scared kid in high school by flexing his arms in the beginning and making a gunshot sound because that’s what all the big names in the industry do. I can’t wait til one day you see a youtube where Nas thrusts his waist and makes laser sounds with his mouth. I don’t expect any well nourished person to watch that so please fast forward to 1:45 so you can his true non-talent and show you how he goes hard in the mother fuckin Taint.

A.B. Green really kept it R.F.D…..Really Fucking Douchey. How many times a month do you think A.B. cries when he thinks about the strain relationship he has with his parents? That is, if they haven’t hung themselves by now. The self proclaimed Youtube Celebrity has another video which is a little older judging by the Pedro Martinez geri curl slithered under his hat. Quick Pro Tip: Shitty Internet rappers NEVER freestyle, all of these lyrics were written down and rehearsed several times. A.B. is no different than the rest.

I didn’t know this was possible until today but I think he’s an even broker version of Riff Raff. Before any A.B. Green defenders, which will probably just be A.B. Green and a few 15 years old girls, don’t pull the “Hater” card on me because this isn’t hating. It’s called having an opinion based on what I’ve seen and heard. A.B. Green is quick to yelp hater in these youtube videos so I’m going to take that cop out away from the jump. In mainstream pop culture, anything that is negative people go to their mental panic room and declare someone a hater. The reality is that there people who are just fucking wack. In all fairness, you should be able to state your case why someone is wack. If I just look at A.B. and go oh yeah, he’s a wack ass rapper without even hearing him then yeah, you can call me a hater. The good news is that I’ve watched all of his youtubes and sadly, I listened to all his tracks which are too bad for me to post and that’s saying a lot for this site. He’s a legit failure to this point and I haven’t been able to dig up an ounce of hope.

If you would like to pass along feedback to Mr. Green, you can leave him a friendly message on his FACEBOOK but please, serious feedback only. No photo shopped dicks going to his mouth or anything of that nature.

Shitty Internet Rapper Special 3 Pack: New Hampshire Edition

Posted on September 13, 2011 by The Reed Rothchild

Why turn away from a state that just keeps giving and giving us Shitty rappers? New Hampshire is the gold rush of suck on the internet and I was able to pan out some nuggets that will set your grandkids up for life. Some people have reached out to me from the New Hampshire area and have told me that I might be representing the hip hop community in a bad light. It’s a few bad eggs that are ruining it for the others. When readers talk, I listen! So I went on search to find fresh talent out in the area, artist who come from the streets and bring philosophy, principles, and and toughness with their craft.
Meet Emcee Apples. Notice the odd way he’s holding that mic? It’s not just for spitting into. Here’s his Bio..

Emcee Apples, the openly gay rapper from Concord, New Hampshire, spends his entire musical talent on writing and spitting filthy raps about sexy gay guys, man-whores, and his ever-present ego. Waste of life? Maybe, but don’t tell Apples this–he does, after all, “go down the mic like a freeway,”

At first I was like, no fucking way. This has to be some fake account that someone made to fuck with him mainly because I could totally see myself doing that to someone back in high school granted I didn’t have a 14.4 internet connection (look it up kids). So I went through my normal checklist of checking all the other social networks and believe it or not, this dude is as real as they come (no pun). If you are in the H.O.R. Secret Society Group the webpage info will be leaked later today. So what better way than to spread the love about sexy gay guys than his single “Faggot Nation” Leeeeets GO!

Emcee Apples, posted with vodpod

What just happened? “Mother fucker I’m gay”, which were the original LiL Wayne lyrics from “A Milli”. It lets people know that you can make out with your man in public, you can also choke him to get him on his knees as well. Thats about all I could make out from it. I can totally see this guy crying while eating Betty Crocker icing out of the tub with his hand in a crane position. Moving on, I need to find more avenue’s to get banned from New Hampshire.

Meet Fresh, a college student from Manchester, NH. Not much info on him and I really don’t have much to say other than how bad this “Look at me now cover” is. It’s like when you pick up a pair of socks that you forgot had gotten wet out in the rain the day before and you can smell the mold and that stench is still on your hands….This is that youtube right here.

Now we get to our final group from Hampstead New Hampshire, my personal favorite of the bunch, The Hooded Kobraz. Swag me the fuck out.

A gangsta rap group with the photo shop skills of a 4 year olds crayon. I like to refer to them as the Ambiguously Gay Du-bro. Members JG LUV and CHOCOLATE BASS show how their sorry for Party cocking by making videos about secretly having bro lust for each other. Each video drawing them closer to going over the edge.

Now what the fuck is this? Can we just come to the conclusion that white college dudes just dorm in order to get butt sex? They try to come of gangster and talk about gettin broads but this fucking banana opening in the next youtube had me tapped out like Ken Shamrock was pulling on my ankle.

All three of those rappers where hard to get through and if you made it out alive you shall be rewarded handsomely. You don’t think I could do a post about New Hampshire and pay respects to the O.G. To the man who kicked the lid off the latch and started this mediocrity movement did you? I get asked all the time about the Z man and to be honest there is nothing to report. He knows if he stays off the internet, I can’t touch him so in fact my 2 years of work have paid off. My goal was to get him stop rapping on the internet and it’s worked. 5 months without a sound however, doesn’t mean I have stockpiles of videos in the vault. Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everybody heard…..

DC Pride Special. Shitty (Gay) Myspace Rappers: Zeb Atlas & Gangsta Fag

Posted on June 12, 2011 by The Reed Rothchild

One of the funniest times of the year to walk around DC is down constitution Ave and Dupont Circle during pride week. Its not because of the people celebrating pride week but because of the terrified mid-western tourist who decided to visit DC this weekend without doing their homework as to whats really going on downtown this weekend. You can also make a case for the fashion yays and nays that go along with this week. From ass-less chaps to well, straight up ass-less, Pride week gives an entertainment value for everyone in the city. I was going to have a couple more posts to go along for pride week but time passed by and it’s already here. With that said the H.O.R. is doing s special pride week tribute with not one but two Shitty Myspace rappers.

Our first one is Zeb Atlas. If their were a gay and even less talented version of Lou Ferrigno, Zeb Atlas would be it’s Mr. Universe every year. A body builder, gay porn star, Zeb Atlas is throwing his helmet in the ring as a god awful autotuned club singer. He has a similar voice to Ferrigno and when you hear it put through autotune it sounds like an autobot getting a rim job. He brought along a vocalist named Pearly Gates which is ironic because once you hear her sing you’d think you’ve gone straight to hell. I could only stomach it for about 2 minutes before losing brunch, lunch, and dinner. Does anyone else think Pearly Gates looks like a Yorkshire Terrier?

Now that we hit the club it’s time to hit the mean streets with a dude who brings new meaning to the term hustle hard, Gangsta Fag. I actually found out about him years ago when he did an interview on Opie and Anthony. I died laughing the first time heard this. Enjoy and to all the H.O.R. reading rainbows out there, Happy Pride Week!

EXCLUSIVE: Shitty Youtube Rapper “Big Albrezzy” – The African 50 Tyson

Posted on May 24, 2011 by The Reed Rothchild

With Memorial Day drawing closer the swimming pools are starting to fill back up as the talent pool begins to drain out on the blog and in this case, it’s a talent dry-spell. My body is just now recovering from the Triggah Trio Post last month I must be getting old because just like Whiskey, I can olny take in Shitty Myspace rappers every so often now. I’m not joking. It’s effected the way I find music to DJ with. I’ve got so used to listening to total shit that I’ve become desensitized to it. Kind of like watching pornography, the more you push the threshold looking at shit online, the more it becomes normal. Next thing you know your watching Filipino midgets helicopter penis style pissing on Norwegian Tranny’s while they recite the entire movie script from Turner & Hooch. All of a sudden it’s like FUCK! how did I get to this point? Rest assure, this is that porno.

Meet Big Albrezzy. He reminds me of a hybrid between 50 Tyson and Eli Porter. So that means if 50 Tyson and Eli Porter lyrically made love, Big Albreezy would be their love child. I warned you, this is that Porno. He raps about life on the streets, hustling, and of course getting bitches. You can find Albrezzy only on youtube as he spams away on peoples channel wall begging them to listen to his youtube tracks. well, you don’t have to beg any further Breezy, your music has come to the right place. The first youtube track is called “Girlfriend High” I would turn down the volume on a little because Breezy has the infamous $5 Best Buy microphone. To be honest, I can’t get enough of this little toe tapper. It was even called “hot fire” by…..Albreezy.

You like that? I did. This is what it’s come to. These rappers have drained all of my music sense from me to the point that I don’t know whats good or bad anymore. Did you know I’m playing at the Starscape Music Festival in two weeks? Couldn’t tell ya what I’m going to play. Shit, you just might hear Albreezy or Ziplok blasting out of the speakers. Please keep me in your “prayers” that I get my mojo back!! You think he sounds good off the studio recording, just wait until you hear Albreezy LIVE Not only are we treated to a live performance of “Believe In Me” we also get 2 other tracks from his collection. So if your at work or at a cafe somewhere out there in the world ( I see you readers in Romania/Croatia!) sit back and enjoy the blissful coma inducing nails on the chalk board sounds of Big Albreezy.

Shitty Myspace Rapper Yung Dex Part 2

Posted on May 23, 2011 by The Reed Rothchild

It’s been almost a year since we checked in with one of the most notorious Shitty Myspace Rappers Yung Dex. I guess you can say I’m having withdraw from being able to get my hands on Yung Dex material. Yung Dex is hard to find. After the fallout from the last post, he ditched his youtube account and went into hiding. It wasn’t until recently that one of the H.O.R. readers emailed me letting me know that he found Yung Dex and wanted to share.

Dex recently started a new youtube channel and is making freestyle videos in hopes of getting signed to a record deal. He left a status update on his Myspace page that says “It’s 2011, Im tryna push hard to get a record deal” Yung Dex is determined to penetrate the music industry by making youtube freestyles. This freestyle is in his moms bedroom while borrowing one of her Easter style Mardi Gras mask. If you can get through the entire youtube without feeling some sort of douche chill ridden shame, I will send you a H.O.R. shirt.

Ouch! That combines all different phases of suck from presentation, wardrobe, talent, and just all over horrible. The problem is that he hasn’t been on youtube in a couple days so I took it upon myself to send him a message letting him know that he is once again getting publicity for his youtubes. Feel free to also let him know but please be kind…..I would hate for him to get his feelings hurt and go into hiding again. Who am I kidding, let him have it.

GRAB A HOLD OF YUNG DEX!

Shitty Myspace Rapper JESUS H. CHRIST?

Posted on May 5, 2011 by The Reed Rothchild

Is it the actual bearded mullet man in the robe spitting 16 bars? NO. I realize that but this comic book series known as religion is responsible for this. I forgive this innocent brainwashed kid strictly because of those amazing Zubas. Bless you my son.

New Kings of New Hampshire: Shitty Myspace Rapper “The Triggah Trio”

Posted on April 25, 2011 by The Reed Rothchild

An evil tyranny has finally been knocked off his throne (see picture above) in his own state of New Hampshire. Ziplok is yesterdays punchline because a new shit storm is on the map in that weird ass state of New Hampshire. For real, what the fuck is going on up there? On Reverb Nation, (The new home for Shitty Rappers) Ziplok is now charted at 2 in New Hampshire which ends a streak of, well….. I don’t know how long exactly because Ziplok makes fake accounts and votes for himself. God forbid Reverb Nation puts a filter on music “artists” instead of making it a popularity contest.

As we speak there is an epic tragedy happening right now to the rap game in Amhurst New Hampshire that makes Japan look like a bathhouse tickle fight. A group of three suburb kids who stumbled on a $4 computer mic and a $2 Autotune program as if they were dirty playboys found in the woods.

They go by The Triggah Trio. Dr. Drizznigg, Lil’ Floosy, and Sombre Seuss. Together they form like Voltron causing violence to your ears and soul. This takes a strong will and a heavy heart which is a perfect opportunity to test its wrath on you the readers. Still can’t figure out why their wearing suits and how busy was the dude in the middle that they had to photoshop the bama in?

Dr Drizznigg? What does that even mean? Ill tell you who he does look like…

Dr Octopus

Lets dive right into the first track because the catalog of music is amazingly horrendous. It’s a cover of the Black Eyed Peas track “I Got A Feeling” which actually sounds like shit when it’s sung by….. The Black Eyed Peas. Throw in 3 high school kids who have the house to themselves for a few hours and an autotune mic, KAPOW! You have a product thats sounds worse than the planes accelerating into the Trade Center. My favorite is around the 2:45 mark when they start laughing. Also, they drop “nigga” a couple more times than I feel comfortable with three suburb kids living in New Hampshire dropping it. I GOT A FEELING! BoooOOOOooooo, that these kids SUCK at their life.

So what do you think? If your still alive and need to vent, The comments section awaits you below

LiL Floosy is the outcast of New Hampshire. Shunned by his parents for only wearing business casual attire and Taboo public transit addiction. He tries to prove the world wrong about him by doing his own version of Usher’s OMG. After listening to it you’ll be singing Oh My God Why are you still alive? He won’t hear you anyway, he just transferred on the 74 bus downtown.

Sombre Suess, Don’t know where to start. How about a Bio?

“He is a full-grown dragon with a belly full of fire. He sits patiently in the cut, waiting to set a flame under the next contender… What else can one even say? He pushes bricks like he’s a full-time carpenter.”

I’m glad they verified he’s a full-time carpenter because I thought he may have been Union. Lets get it in on of these Sombre Suess tracks and we will be the ones impatiently waiting, to cut ourselves or volunteering our place for the contender and setting ourselves on fire.

Shitty Myspace Rapper: Myke A.K.A. Yung Meezlez

Posted on February 7, 2011 by The Reed Rothchild

Strap in Kids

This is the first rapper discovered through the newest outlet of Shitty rappers, Reverb Nation. To honor the long standing tradition of Myspace, the bit will still be called “Shitty Myspcace Rappers” to honor the past mediocrity of rappers who paved the way to where things are today. Our rapper in question goes by the name of Myke. He hails from the mean streets of Sante Fe New Mexico, where you better come correct. He is putting together a collection of tracks for a forthcoming album alongside an alter ego of his who goes by Yung Meezlez. The album is called “Homeless as Fuk”. I have to admit, the cover is kind of killin it.

Just to warn you this first video is safe for work however, the douche chills your going to receive will put you out of commission for a while in which case your going have to use P.T.O. to go home and lay down. This video has his alter ego Yung Meezlez. Myke also plays the part of him by wearing a bandanna so you can tell the difference. Yung Meezlez talks in a deeper, more constipated voice tone.

Yeah, that just happened. Here are two tracks for his upcoming album (no release date set) “Homeless as Fuk” The first track is called “Goin Hard” Rest assure, nothing is Goin Hard in this track. “Take a doody on you like you was my sista”. huh?

Myke-Yung Meezlez (Ft. Myke) – Goin Hard by Head of Rothchild

The second track is called “No Sunshine” take a wild guess….
Myke No Sunshine by Head of Rothchild

One random thing that I discovered on his youtube channel was this Diamond in the ruff called “Slut Shave”. I can’t figure it out but it’s fucking Epic sprinkled in with a little creepy. In other words, I love it.

In addition to the album, he recently a tribute to his cat. Here is the dedication shout out from his blog.

“This is my dedication to my cat, Mac. Just to let him know I love him (its not gay if he’s an animal…) and i’m a raging alcoholic… and… you know… all that shit…”

Shitty Myspace Rapper: Hottub

Posted on January 31, 2011 by The Reed Rothchild

They should have never gave you hipsters money!! Shitty Myspace rapper has a little twist in it this time with a special hipster rap edition. Whats worse than a rapper spitting into a $4 computer mic? A female Indie rap group wearing fishnets and pilot hats. The group is called Hottub, your typical California hipsters still trying to pull of the MIA look from 5 years ago. When I lived on the west coast, they had so many hipsters out there who dress like the homeless but drove a Lexus that their parents bought for them. Normally I wouldn’t post something like this but the track that they did gave me such huge douche chills I couldn’t pass it up. Rapping about a certain drink did great for 36 mafia and countless others but this drink song came out sounding like a flu shit. Hottub makes a song about Four Loko, a drink that skips the buzz and goes straight to the hangover. At least the purple will numb you out. The lead singer who is going for the M. Bison look, doesn’t make a bit of sense. Turn your speakers down a little before playing because if you can get through this track, you will feel like you just woke up after a night of drinking four loko.

(HOTTUB) LOKOS ONLY by Le Heat Records

12 Days of Shitsmas Day 3: The Return of a Legend

Posted on December 16, 2010 by The Reed Rothchild

Hands down my favorite rapper in the history of the H.O.R. Bankrup G came from a fan submission over a year ago and I’ve been addicted to the dude ever since. The problem with Bankrup at the time was that he was only on myspace and didn’t check it anymore. The “Promo” photo dates from years back when he was living in “The Rich Peoples Ghetto” Palo Alto California. Here are 2 of the tracks that I first posted. No joke, DJ 814ofcourse and I have listened to these over 1000 times.

Bankrup by Head of Rothchild

ClubScene-Bankrup by Head of Rothchild

It doesn’t get any better than that. Its been years later since his rap glory so what is Bankrup doing today?

Bankrup has since moved to New York City and has turned his full efforts into poetry. If its as good as his music, we are in for a treat!