After a successful gambling run to end 2011, I picked up again today for 2012 going 3 for 3 in NBA action turning $50 into $300. Firing right out the gate I decided to lock in my Super Bowl winner bet. I’m so sure of this one I’m going Luniz and putting 5 on it. Sad part is that some of the HOR readers have no idea who Luniz is but I digress. Above is a copy of my wager ticket to show how confident I am in the Giants beating the piss out of the Patriots this Sunday. So just in case you don’t hear from me, Congrats to the New York Giants for winning the Super Bowl and Congrats to whatever African Village that gets a crate of New England Patriots Super Bowl champion shirts and hats (corniest joke that pops up on twitter Super Bowl Sunday). Also, Congrats to me for reaching out and plucking free money out of the internet.
Saw this youtube a couple days ago about a cart in Cowboys Stadium that is also an undercover Decepticon go crazy by running over people at a high school football game. I don’t know why this didnt get more attention because it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.
For those of you who might be shocked about seeing this don’t need to worry because it happens all the time in football. In fact, it happens so often, that Madden includes it in their video games.
Been on the gym grind the last two weeks to the point it’s hard to walk around places in the city. Knees are sore, hamstrings tight and thats just from the fucking sit down bike. Nothing more boring then hearing someone else’s half ass workout so I’ll fall back on that front BUT it all went swirling down the shitter on Sunday.
The weekly assfuck ritual known ass Vikings football continued in full swing along with my bets I put in for the Sunday (see last post). I went to a bar in Bethesda that showed all the games which was the good news. The bad news is that I was sandwiched between loud, hopeless Redskins fans and drunken Green Bay Packers fans. This is my Hell. Three Jameson shots and four Bloody’s later, my betting ticket was crushed because of the Skins and Packers, plus the Vikings had called it a day midway through the 2nd. Despair has won again. Time for some good old fashioned Stress eating. Check out this Burger I created by ordering a Double bacon cheddar burger than ordered a side of fries and onion rings.
That thing stretched my stomach. I stumbled out the bar cussing under my breath because I realized it was another Sunday full of failure and loss. It’s been like this the last 12 out of 14 weeks. I don’t know how but for some reason I got hungry when I got home. ”Shieeeeeet, Hot dogs would be amazing right now” said my inner fat fuck. I got everything out and realized I have no bread in the house. Not even sandwich bread. So I looked in the fridge and got a couple slices of bologna, sliced deli ham, and Mayonnaise. Have to admit, I have been getting upset by peoples hatred for Mayo. Its one of the best condiments out there next to ketchup. I used the Mayo as a glue to keep the bologna and ham together. Grenobled the hotdogs for 55 seconds and BOOM!
Now thats a Ham Dog! Suddenly this day isn’t so bad anymore. The H.O.R. is going full throttle over the next month with events plus working at helicopter propeller arms pace planning all of the great things for 2012.
Feeling lucky this weekend so I’m gonna go big. Fuck wit ya boy and get rich….
In case you’re wondering who I do all of my betting through, it’s Oddsmaker.com Can’t fuckin wait for basketball season to start. As we all know from last year I raked in close to 3k starting from $50 Let get it in! (Looking at you Clippers)
Saw this posted up today on the internet. Probably the greatest thing I’ve seen all year. There hasn’t been shit to root for if you’re a Vikings fan this so thank god former Vikings great Joe Kapp can land a chin shot after taking a cane to the fucking face.
This is my third year writing a Vikings season preview and as you can already tell this years preview isn’t going to have the long, in-depth analysis as years past. Going into the season last year was I full of hope and confidence after being an interception away from the Super Bowl. Being in New Orleans for the game and seeing it happen right before my eyes is something I still haven’t been able to get over. I was just able to pick myself up assuming we would get right back to work and get it right this time. Fuck, was I ever wrong. So instead of writing a detailed preview to this year, I’m going to share with you what life was like for a Vikings fan last year so hopefully then you can understand why I really don’t give a fuck what happens this year.
First off, they had Brett kidnapped from his house and executed in his backyard. They replaced him with what appeared to be a 65 year old all gray haired retired mechanic from Mississippi. Dead. Then Sidney Rice, our star wide Receiver in a selfish move (Drew Rosenhaus is his agent) ops not get surgery in May thinking he was going to get a new payday contract negotiated and waits until August to get surgery which takes FOUR months to heal. Dead.
After a terrible 1-3 start my idol, hero, and long lost dad, Randy Moss is traded from the Patriots returning home to wear the “Freak” started. This was suppose to be the saving grace. A slow start yes, but everything will take care of itself right? Fuck no. In less then one month he’s kicked off the team after spitting in my face and apparently some catering mans face. DEAD.
With the team at 3-6, the implosion had begun. They lose 30-3 at home to the HATED Green Bay Packers. The next morning our coach Brad Childress is shit canned. I didn’t care too much for the dude anyway. He reminded me of Dr. Frasier Crane but more dull which is saying a lot. We are now 3-7 and have no Wide Receivers and no coach. The season is just about DEAD. At this point I’m kind of starting to swallow the reality of the first ten weeks of the season figuring we will just play out the games and who knows maybe win a couple at the dome right?
The Fuck!?
A blizzard hits Minnesota which if you’ve ever been up there that’s not a big deal unless you’re a stadium roof, then you’re fucked. This causes us to have to play a home game at Ford Field in Detroit and a game at the University of Minnesota which isn’t made for cold weather games. Seriously though, who signs off on that!? We want to build a stadium for our Minnesota Golden Gophers football team but lets not have it be winter proof, lets call natures bluff up here in MINI-FUCK-SOTA. Yes, I know the Gophers are in the Big Ten and don’t have games scheduled past late November but don’t you think someone else may want to use it throw some down and out patterns when it gets a little colder? Maybe turn it into an ice ring? DEAD. It was nice to finally see a Minnesota home game outdoors. I was born in 1981 and the Vikings moved into the humpty dump during the 1983 season. Also Brett Favre was ruled out of the game and ended up playing at the last minute. People thought it was a selfish move but if you follow the Vikings like I do, then you would know why he started the game READ THIS STORY AND I GUARANTEE YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT BRETT FAVRE BEING SELFISHI thought that was a cool thing to do. The bears couldn’t give a fuck about the kid and probably made him flatline in his hospital bed after this went down…
DEAD. Literally, he never played another down in the NFL. After that night I basically threw in the towel on not just the Vikings, but the NFL. My heart was so crushed that I didn’t want to see another play not caring what uniform it was. To pour salt on what was already a shotgun blast of a wound, I then had to sit there in February and watch my most hated enemy, the Green Bay Packers win the fucking Super Bowl.
It hurt just to upload this photo
Talks of a strike this offseason? Could care less. In fact, I was kind of bummed when they said football was back on.This offseason the Vikings lost their gold digging wide receiver, Sidney Rice to the Seahawks and didn’t even give a contract extension to the best player in football, Adrian Peterson which means he is an unrestricted free agent next year. We could very well lose him too. They brought in a 35 year old Donovan McNabb who just by looking at him makes me think I’m in good shape. So if you want an honest opinion of what my Minnesota Vikings are going to do this year, my answer is, I have no idea. I will never root for them to do bad or throw away a season but the dreams and optimism has been sucked out of me by the events transpired in the paragraphs above. So every week I will sit down on the couch, root the Vikings on, and just hope it’s not a fraction of what I had to go through last year because I wouldn’t wish that on even a Packers fan.
No Doubt this is a great time of year because of the weather warming up after spending the last couple months in an ice cube of misery. Spring for me no matter the tempteure will just hit you by the out smell of cut grass. You won’t even know it hit you while you’re walking then “Oh shit, it smells like Spring” Everything changes, music tastes change, food cravings change, and hell even friends change. If you like sports however this is one of the best times of the year other than NFL kickoff. Both NHL and NBA begin the Playoffs. 2009 was an amazing way to start the summer when the Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup. Haven’t had a team I root for win ANYTHING prior to 1992 so to relive that was one of the happiest summers I can remember.
This also a great time to call out the koolaid drinking Caps fans who think this is their year again….HAHA! This year the Penguins aren’t as good due to injuries so if they win it this year it would be a fucking miracle and I would throw an epic party.
My predictions this year for the NBA Champions are the Bulls.
Looks like it’s time to start hating the Bulls again. As much as I respected MJ, I used to always root against them and that bastard came through at the end of every game to the point I thought basketball was fake. The Utah Jazz team of the late 90′s were definetly screwed out of at least one Championship. The Bulls are at full stride right now and I think it’s theirs to lose. Seriously, who the fuck would root for Miami Heat? Personally I would like to see Boston go and play either the Lakers or the Spurs because all three of those franchises have been cornerstones of the NBA for a while and I think a lot of those guys aren’t coming back next year.
In hockey we all know I’m full on Pittsburgh but if that doesn’t happen than I think Vancouver is going to bring the cup back to Canada. They have been a complete team all year. If they can get past Chicago, I think it’s a wrap!
I have been in full on basketball mode the last two months. I got the NBA ticket and once 7pm comes around I finish masturbating to Jeopardy then I watch basketball until 2am. One of my favorite clips this year is when Dirk Nowitzki was injured and they had him as a broadcaster while he was sitting on the bench. One of the best phrases ever. I like to use it in the most professional of settings. People often ask me who my team is and to be honest I love to bet on games so much that I really don’t have a favorite like I do in football but if I had to pick one it would be the SPURS. I like old school fundamental basketball and the Spurs have played that ever since 96 when Greg Popovich took over. Before that I used to be a huge Utah Jazz fan because of how hard they played under coach Jerry Sloan.
My favorite Blake Griffin dunk is one you may not have seen because it happened in preseason back when he was a real rookie in the league. Don’t get me wrong, the dunks he had over that Serbian war criminal on the Knicks is hands down the best but this one is my personal favorite.
The comments on youtube for this are fucking hysterical
I know some of you might’ve thought you were watching an off Broadway Tron musical gone array last night, but fear not, what you were actually watching was ,what will go down in history as, the world’s greatest anti-drug PSA as well as a hilarious roast to the legend himself, Mr. Patrick Swayze.
It’s was never a secret that the Black Eye Peas started off as a methlab doo-wop group, but in case anyone doubted their roots, last night they brought us a show so horrible it could only be traced back to one type of crystal. I’m not sure where to start so I’ll just dive right into it and say: WOW! For years I’ve been waiting for the Polyphonic Spree to join forces with the Heaven’s Gate Cult, and I’ll be god-damned if Marshall fucking Applewhite himself wasn’t out there last night dancing his heart out, sweating out all the poisoned kool-aid, searching for that next level ride on a comet, and giving me the chills. I, for one, was extremely happy to see the NFL was able to talk them into coming back for one last dance.
Did anyone else lose themselves in the sea of white vs red blood cells battling to rid the stadium of musical AIDS? Of course you did. In fact, you were so busy watching the virus spread around that I’m betting you missed the ultimate tribute to Dirty Dancing. Here’s a fun tip, right around (5:30) just when you see the magic glimmer in Fergie’s eye, if you mute and play the video backwards while listening to “Hungry Eyes” you’ll see Patrick Swayze’s corpse on wires being lowered down, and ever so gracefully dangle above the stage, and then SWOOSH! much like a shooting star, he’s whisked away back up to heaven, or perhaps Hale Bopp.
The night wasn’t all magic, dancing, smiles, and lasers. As many of you probably noticed there was a very dark force present throughout the halftime show. No longer lurking the shadows and patrolling the streets for fresh blood, the Black Eye Peas freakiest member, finally stepped into the spotlight and even spoke a word or 3. I know! You guys, meet Taboo, the real rape threat of the game last night….
Take a minute. Check the stance. Check the soulless eyes. Check the WHAT THE FUCK! Why does he have, not ONE but TWO, serial killer props? Can’t say I’ve seen anything quite like this featuring the OG raper, Big Ben. So I got to thinking….
2 rapers under 1 dome. The odds are good but the goods are odd. And you’re telling me I can either get raped by Taboo or Ben Roethlisberger? I’ll speak for the entire female population when I say I would rather take 5 swirlies, no breathers, from Ben in a bathroom stall than even french that mindfreak Taboo aka Andrea Yates.
The good news in all of this is there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Future halftime shows simply can’t get any worse. In proving so, next year the NFL has announced the banger of all bangers, halftime show will include a feathered Yoko Ono performing haiku, 3 heyenas fucking (tastefully) on stage, and 2 balloons being vigorously rubbed together.
Only watched about 3 minutes of the Super Bowl. Thank god I caught this gem within those 3 minutes. Very rare footage because Alex Rodriguez always chokes during big games.
